The Shore

Marooned.
This is the feeling you get after Cancer treatment finishes.

As you strain your eyes, you think you recognize the way home
That thin dark sliver on the horizon which was the place of your dreams, hope, and energy

You jump in, and…
its time to swim

May 7 2025 – But I can’t swim!

Hello Decaf Latte, my scandalous little cheat, my concession. You have been my substitute since I’ve had to give up caffeine. Abemaciclib. I have a love hate relationship with you. We bicker most days, you make my stomach churn, you sap my energy. But somehow I can’t let you go, and my oncologist will be so disappointed.

I still remember watching that one video where this one woman was pleading, desperate to get her hands on Abemaciclib. Her emotions, her desperation was so raw, you could tell she just wanted to live, she wanted it so badly, that I felt bad that I didn’t feel the same way at all.

I had thought my blog was complete.. my entries were becoming disparate blocks of summarized barf. I had become so busy, that the time to write became a luxury, and I had almost long abandoned the healthy practices I swore I’d commit to in daily life.

I’ve been stuck in this iterative loop for a while now:

IF     
         Do all the things! 
         Go boxing, box out all those frustrations
         Sing again - sing more, dance even! 
         Do a women in leadership program as recommend by your boss
         SAVE the world, enable the energy transition
         Be the catalyst for culture change
THEN
         Pass out on the couch for 2 days

ELSE IF
         Go dragonboat! Ice dragonboat! Water tug of war!
         Perfect your form, go get it
         Conduct multiple interviews with managers
         Devise strategies, get courage
         Coordinate and execute a schema change
THEN
         Acute stomach pains 1 day

ELSE IF
         Go to a meeting right after
         Do your parents taxes
         Chase your father's insurance broker
THEN
         Stomach pains, then wipe out

ELSE IF
         Stare at the 5 books you should read
         Memorize all the spring rep, be concert ready
         Go boxing, you need to exercise or you'll die
         Software upgrade is coming, script all the code
         Train your vacation replacement or else you cant take over 
         2 weeks off
         And what is life without vacation!! 
         FOMO
         I need to plan this vacation
THEN
         Be a zombie for 3 days
         Sense of loss 
         Sense of purposelessness
ELSE
         Listen to ACT commitment therapy 
         Heal yourself
         Listen to others and try to heal them
         Learn to heal yourself
         Vet a new psycologist
CONTINUE